Today

It’s just another day,

I’m the same. You’re the same.

Everything is the same,

But today I feel a loss of words. 

Today I don’t know what to write about.

I could write the same old things to you,

But look here 

I don’t know how it goes or what it is.

I don’t know what fades and what exists.

I only know one thing,

That I can’t let you go, 

not today nor tomorrow, 

not even in the coming years,

But I can’t explain this to you,

Because my thoughts are in riddles today,

Unable to be deciphered into words.

Inertia

I seek you in places, behind drapes, in falling leaves, in colorful skies, in seldom moments, in empty gazes,

As if everything that is or was

pulls me back to you,

Fragrances, voices, that do not console

but stay in my heart like an implacable sadness.

And oh dear, my love for you,
Like a fountain,

Keeps dripping; a little more,

Every single time I try to empty it.

But I want you to know this thing,
That,

Without your love, my beloved,

I’m like a tree standing bare

being consumed by the winters wind,

With no spring to rejuvenate.

And I wish to break through your shield,
into this harshness, to oblivion, to an unending darkness, to complete silence,

But whenever you render your arms open,

Your angelic touch drives me back to you; reviving me and setting an inertia,

that doesn’t allow me to stop loving you.

Loving you

I try to move from loving to hating you,

From hue to gray,

From clear skies to dreary nights,

From sweet to bland,

From loud laughters to dead silence,

From hugs and kisses, to separation and then to remembrance.

But hold on still, I can’t unlove you.

I love you so deep. I can’t.

For I love you for no reason but I’m madly driven to you. 

And I want to do it you. To love you so deep that it hurts, first me but not you.

Confessions from a hospital window

You looked at me like I was a healthy spirit, with an enchanting bliss, with half-knowledge of my chrysalis, to recall memories that appeared gay but were blurred to me with hail.

Your slender tongue whispered joy to me, your lavender voice colored my grey dreams, your soft blush, passionate eyes and ardent deeds always lit me in my decay. 
And believe me I did embrace them all. I did blush and giggle at every little witness of you but I chose to be sad than to see you mourn. 

So when you sat close to me and held my hand, my breaths raced like yours and I held it back; though with a slight distain but when you tried to kiss me with your soul’s delight, I had to deny it out of my plight.

When you asked me to come with you, to savour our first date, I had to reject at last. For that white room was becoming my home and I couldn’t let you see me there in my lone.

When you were sewing a forever with me, I was counting the days to oblivion, to wait for the day, I’ll be free from my desolation and you’ll no longer be shadowed by my disgrace.

So when you asked me why, I had to become rude and harsh, to push you away till you finally waved me a goodbye.

I satisfied myself by whispering to you when you were not around, hoping my sadness could at least reach your house,

Trust me I didn’t want to pester your heart,

But I couldn’t let you feel the things that were to fall in the other moment apart.

And I know the day will come, when all this finally come to an end, when you’ll come to see me dressed in all black with emotions of sadness and a bit of hate.

And I’ll smile from heaven above, to see you free from my curse. 

So I leave this piece of my sully deeds for you to read; to let you know that hurting you was never my dream.




The cold hides in it some warm memories.

We were sitting inside our little cottage beside the lake. It was a cold winter noon. The outside was completely wrapped in a sheet of white snow. One could feel the cold breeze just by looking at the slight movement of trees through the little window in the living room. However inside it was warm. We had sealed all the windows to avoid the breeze. Kyle, ciara and I were sitting near the fireplace, chatting and laughing.

“It’s so cozy and warm in here. Just looking outside is giving me shivers,” ciara said.

“Yeah, it is but we can not just keep wasting time. Let’s go out. We have a lot of stuff to buy,” kyle replied.

It was silent for a while.

“Yeah, let’s go.” I said.

Then we all got up, put on our coats and scarves and headed out. As I opened the door, the breeze blew in and gave me chills but somehow I held myself together and locked the door behind us.

As we were walking through the snowy path the breeze blew again but this time it didn’t give me chills. Something stuck me and I could not move.

This breeze it felt so warm. It reminded me of things I had decided to leave behind. It brought the memories of last year back when we-were-together. 

Standing there I wondered not everything has changed. The breeze is still the same. It’s all almost the same. We parted our ways but this winter it still remembers my little secret. The secret which was someone else’s too but now it was reduced to just mine.

“What’s wrong?” Kyle asked.

I didn’t reply for a minute. I just wanted to feel the breeze. I wanted to feel it’s warmth. I wanted to feel it all because somewhere deep down I knew I could not live it again.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Will you say something?” Kyle asked again, now demanding an answer.

“Nothing. This cold; it just hides some warm memories.” I finally answered.

Too many memories

I glanced at my phone. 10:30 p.m.

We were 15 minutes away. 

I felt a little nervousness which wasn’t just nervousness but some sort of mixed feeling of pain and nervousness.

I was coming back to my hometown with my driver, Jefferson who wasn’t just a driver but also my constant companion.

No, there were no special reasons for coming back to this place except my parents. They said they missed me and wanted to see me every time I called them promising they’ll not talk about what happened three years back. So I had to come back.

Since I left I wished I to never come back. This place had been so cruel to me. It gave me everything, filled me completely with happiness and then snatched everything away too.

I looked away from my car’s window which I had been staring awkwardly and looked at my phone again.

10:40 p.m.

And then a few minutes later I could see the street I had known for so many years illuminated in gold by the street lights. The same old white houses and lights.

“This place hasn’t changed much,” Jefferson said.

“Yeah! I was wondering the same too,” I said.

We were halfway across the street. My home was at the last corner of the street. I had decided to stay only for a day and I knew mom would not let me leave the house once I was in. So I told Jefferson to go home alone and take the car with him assuring that I’ll be back in sometime. He didn’t argue but he wasn’t happy with the decision either. 

After he left, I walked back and took the left turn through the street to reach a small white gate.

‘Carlos park.’ It was named after some guy named Carlos who was believed to have established it though there was no label or evidence which said so.

I pushed the white gate and walked through the grass pathway using my phone’s flashlight to check for any obstacles. I had been here so many times I knew the ways by heart. Exact and accurate. I kept walking till I saw a small white bench hidden behind the cherry tree in the last corner of the park. It was still there. Empty and desolate as I had expected it to be. I sat down on the grass slowly. 

Too many memories. I sighed.

This little corner was her favourite spot. She would come here every Saturday night with me when our friends would be drunk at home. This place had heard and known so many things. Most of my favourite conversations happened here. I remembered once it was raining and we had to spend the whole night under the cherry tree and how the questions of my friends had made me nervous and how easily she laughed it away despite of the cold she had caught that night. 

She was beautiful in every way. Her eyes were always sparkling with joy. Her golden locks blowing through her neck when she would put them behind her ear. Her smile. Her every movement. The way she could calm me.

She wasn’t the kind of beautiful you admire, she was the kind of beautiful you fall for and get your heart broken.

She was the one who filled my life with light and when she left, it was all dull and dark. I couldn’t accept this harsh reality. So I ran away. From this place; from everything that reminded me of her. I thought I could escape it but I was wrong. She never left me. Every time I felt her absence, I broke a little more. I felt so helpless and broke, no one could console me. I couldn’t just deal with the pain. 

In my life, I had suffered many times but her death completely shattered me. It tore me apart like I could never be repaired. Never.

My phone beeped…

I wiped off my tears and checked my phone. It was mom.

4 missed calls. I didn’t realise it had been ringing all this while. 

It started ringing again. I didn’t answer. 

I didn’t want to answer it. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want anyone to disturb me when I was thinking about her. I just wanted to keep laying there on that dead grass remembering how many times her feet had touched it. I wished she could come back and play with my hair, the way she used to do. I wished she could reappear and pull me from this darkness once again, the way she did before.

So I kept laying there on the dead grass staring at the sky; hoping that she also thought about me like I did; dreaming that she was also staring at me like I was from the other side of the galaxy.